The next time I noticed myself swallowing a feeling, I’d try to communicate, I told myself. The first confrontation was simple, more of asking for help in lieu of silently suffering. A friend and I had an upcoming dinner, but hadn’t secured a reservation. “Just let me know where you decide. Anytime after five works for me,” she texted. At that moment I was on maternity leave with a four-month-old, had a sick five-year-old, and was frantically looking for a new full-time job since my prior employer had tanked. Could I have technically figured it out? Yes, and my instinct was to add “make reservation” to the list. (I’m blessed with whatever the opposite of ADHD is, the type of brain that feels like it has a gun to your head.) But instead of being frustrated by her inability to read my mind, I texted back: “I’m swamped. Sick kid. Job hunt. Decision fatigue! Can you make a reservation?” I waited, holding my breath. “OFC! I got you!” she responded in seconds. I had to admit, it felt nice to be taken care of.
Jennifer Cox encourages those she advises to consider the full picture. “Is this issue coming up a lot in the friendship, or is it a one-off? Use ‘I feel’ statements, and don’t get caught up in who’s right and wrong. This person is your friend; you’re interested and invested in them, and how things feel for them too. The objective isn’t point-scoring, it’s about building better relationships.”
My second confrontation had been brewing for years. Cox encourages those she advises to consider the full picture. “Is this issue coming up a lot in the friendship,” she says, “or is it a one-off?” This wasn’t a one off. It was a hurt woven through a decades-long friendship. When I moved to New York City in my mid-twenties I met a woman who was funny, outspoken, and knew all the best bars. She taught me about pegging (pre–Broad City!), introduced me to Saint Vincent, and bought me my first kombucha. For some reason, she took my tacky suburban self under her seemingly hip wing.
A few years later, as people do, she moved and built a new life for herself, but we continued talking and saw each other when we could. We both had kids so traveling became trickier. Over the past handful of years we’d grown distant in proximity and emotion. As the years passed it seemed like she was only available to trauma dump or send the occasional “miss you” text, but always on her time. I was crushed and confused. This was one of my first friends in a new city during a transformational time. Even though I’d felt shut out for years, I held on. Life was hard after all! COVID happened after all! You can’t throw people out like trash, I decided!
