“I love the elusive element of no socials,” said one person when I asked my Instagram followers—yes, I’m aware of the irony here—if they preferred partners who didn’t have the platform. “The whole element of ‘I don’t care about what others think or how I’m perceived’ is sexy,” another concurred. “I think it can suggest a need for external validation and low confidence if they’re super active on there,” one person added. “It’s def a green flag (unless they’re hiding a wife),” chimed a third.
Clearly, we spend a lot of time judging potential partners’ online presence, or lack thereof. “People who are less active on social media may be seen as more authentic, genuine, independent, and self-sufficient,” explains Mairéad Molloy, a relationship psychologist. “In a world where many of us heavily curate our online personas, someone who isn’t as active on social media might also be seen as being more real or down-to-earth.”
It’s easy to see why these are such attractive traits, particularly in today’s hyper-digital, dating app-coded age, when the pursuit of verisimilitude can feel more arduous. “Minimal social media activity can also create a sense of mystery; without a constant stream of posts or updates, there’s more left to the imagination, which can be intriguing and lead to increased attraction,” adds Molloy. “Some might find it attractive that the person values privacy and discretion, as it can be seen as a sign of maturity and respect for boundaries, which are important traits in a life partner.”
Sometimes, perhaps, all that’s required is a balance: If you’re particularly active online, you might crave the opposite in a partner by dint of yin and yang. “Someone said the other day that only one person in a relationship can be very online,” one friend said. “Otherwise it’s just too much for everyone involved. Like, I can’t be having both people in a couple reposting each other’s stories all the time, I’m sorry.”
There is a strange imbalance, though, in terms of how we view online women versus online men. I’ve noticed this recently: in the heterosexual couples I know, if there is a baseline Instagram presence between them, the woman is more active than the man. “I really don’t care if a woman I’m dating is particularly online, as long as she’s not glued to her phone as a result,” says one male friend with an almost entirely bare Instagram account. “It’s not really a turn-on or turn-off; I’m just used to seeing women posting more stuff than men.”
