At first, his relationship with Claire seemed innocent enough. They were old friends—longtime colleagues, in fact. Plus, she was married and we were happy. Or, so I thought.
Then, she got divorced and started texting him nonstop. We’d be at dinner or at home and, like clockwork, his phone would buzz. “Sorry,” he’d mumble, tilting his phone towards his chest. “It’s Claire. She’s going through a lot.”
Within a few months, he began to seem distant. He was always on his phone; always leaving the room “to talk.” When I would accompany him to work events, Claire was never far away from us. “I need some advice,” she’d say, pulling on his arm.
It got annoying. Every time his phone would ring, my temperature would rise. Then I caught him lying about seeing her—twice. When I confronted him, he’d just shrug it off. “We’re friends,” he’d say, rolling his eyes. Sometimes he’d get flustered: “Maybe you’re the one who’s interested in someone else.”
By then, my trust had completely evaporated—the whole situation was just too much. Needless to say, we didn’t last long. I’ll never know what truly happened between them, but I later heard they started dating a few months after we’d broken up.
What is emotional cheating?
That’s the thing about emotional cheating—it is often difficult to prove. It usually starts off slowly and creeps in like a cloud. It doesn’t come with hotel bills or receipts for gifts; its evidence is more visceral than tangible.
Still, “Emotional cheating can be just as devastating as physical infidelity—sometimes even more,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright. “It creates emotional distance and leaves the betrayed partner feeling replaced or inadequate.”
This is because, unlike a one-night stand or a drunken tryst, emotional cheating revolves around the deeper facets of intimacy—the truly personal ones. It’s the kind of intimacy that comes from the sharing of thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and time; the kind that’s born in the divulging of secrets, the trading of stories, the giving of advice.
This kind of intimacy is like a house of cards. Its layers are fragile and built with connection, care, and trust—which is precisely why, when you suspect your partner of building it with someone else, it can hurt so much.
What are the signs of emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating is defined by behaviors that “erode trust and divert emotional energy,” explains licensed clinical social worker and trauma therapist Malka Shaw. “It occurs when one partner forms an intimate emotional connection with someone outside the relationship in a way that is characterized by secrecy and blurred boundaries.”
