Chris Pratt’s sweet, somewhat dumb, slacker character Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation leaps to mind as an example, but he’s by no means the only golden retriever boyfriend in Hollywood. There’s also the very non-fictional Tom Holland, of “engaged to Zendaya” fame; Joey Tribbiani from Friends; and Glen Powell in pretty much every movie he’s ever been in.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of dating a golden retriever boyfriend?
If you—like me—tend toward depressive, dark, and stormy, then there’s really no better pick-me-up than a golden retriever boyfriend (except, of course, for psychiatric medication). A golden retriever boyfriend’s infectious charm, lightness, and ease can be infectious, bringing you vicarious good cheer from something as simple as a well-grilled burger or a game of Ultimate Frisbee in the park. That said, if you don’t care for outdoor activities or long, enthusiastic conversations about the Big Green Egg, preferring just a little bit of stylish languishing in your own sadness, then a golden retriever boyfriend might not be for you.
Might I suggest a nightmare art boyfriend instead? He’ll steal your novel idea and probably your Air Fryer when the chips are down—but at least he’ll reflect your own pathos!
Which brands does the golden retriever boyfriend favor?
While the more elite golden retriever boyfriends (or, at least, the ones with fashion-y partners) might know enough to pair an Online Ceramics tee with the khaki shorts they’ve owned since college, some of my Vogue colleagues humbly submit that many GRBs can frequently be found in Abercrombie & Fitch, J.Crew, Bonobos, and Vuori. Pro tip: a gift card to any of these retailers makes a wonderful holiday gift for a golden retriever boyfriend.
Where can I find my own golden retriever boyfriend?
At the risk of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw in that one Sex and the City episode where she teaches a class on how to meet men and all the women get mad because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about…sports bars? Golden retriever boyfriends definitely also congregate around low-pressure athletic activities, so start investigating nearby kickball leagues or snag a membership to your local climbing gym ASAP if you’re really hoping to take one home. Also, you might want to start putting in face time at any animal shelter in your neighborhood, because it’s a universal fact that a golden retriever boyfriend will inevitably want a dog of his own someday (although, funnily enough, it might not be a golden retriever; after all, Glen Powell has a mutt named Brisket!).
