This messaging is often gendered too, with women being encouraged more so than men to wait around for unpromised change, because finding love is typically impressed upon girls and women more. “Women historically have been cultured to believe in ‘happy ever after’,” Kelly explains. “Romantic movies and films often feature couples who finally fall for each other after much drama and strife. People can start to think that’s normal, but real life and love should be about trust, respect, support, and affection.” There’s a lot of airtime given to women who wait for emotionally unavailable men, like Carrie waiting for Big in Sex And The City and Marianne being mistreated by Connell at school in Normal People. Caroline Plumer, a psychotherapist, says the kinds of messages men receive are typically around being persistent even if they’ve been told “no” by a romantic interest. “These ideas can be really harmful as they tend to distort the reality of a situation,” she says. “If someone has shown disinterest or disloyalty, then it’s not for you to change or ‘fix’ them, it’s time to move on.”
