Depending on who you ask, long-distance relationships are either totally doable or an absolute no-go. While a hopeless romantic, for example, may see geographical distance as a simple logistical hurdle, a pragmatist may deem it and its consequences more problematic.
And guess what? Neither party is wrong. Long-distance relationships can certainly be romantic, exciting, and fulfilling—just as they can be exhausting, frustrating, and lonesome. But that’s true of any relationship. One of the secrets to making the situatiom work? Both partners believing that it can.
The success rate of long-distance relationships
Here’s the thing: Long-distance relationships actually have about the same success rate as regular relationships—around 60%. In fact, “most studies have found equal or even higher levels of satisfaction, commitment, and trust in [long-distance dating relationships] compared to geographically close ones,” Laura Stafford writes in her book Maintaining Long-distance and Cross-residential Relationships.
This is because the qualities required to sustain a long-distance relationship are the same ones that are essential for any relationship to thrive: effective communication, trust, honesty, compromise, compatibility, commitment, respect, and a shared vision or trajectory. If you don’t have these, your relationship is likely to fail—whether you live in the same city or not. “Distance strips a relationship down to its core essence,” explains relationship coach Sabrina Bendory of Dating.com. “If a relationship is already shaky, distance can break it.”
Does long-distance increase love?
Spending time away from your partner can certainly increase certain feelings—especially lust. We all want what seems precious and rare, and in a long-distance relationship, each partner becomes just that. As famed relationship expert Esther Perel has said: “Desire is rooted in absence and longing. And the experience of ‘not having’ increases our ‘wanting.’”
But as we all know, sexual attraction isn’t the only ingredient required for a healthy romantic relationship: a lasting union also hinges on communication, trust, respect, et al. Bendory underscores the fact that “absence can make the heart grow fonder—but only if the foundation is strong.”
On the other hand, a lack of consistent in-person affection can present its own challenges in long-distance love. “Some people thrive on physical connection, and without it, they may feel disconnected over time,” Bendory says. “The key is knowing what you need to feel secure and fulfilled and to not convince yourself that you’re okay with something that you’re not.”
How to make a long-distance relationship work
More often than not, those in long-distance relationships have to be a little strategic when it comes to sustaining their connection. “Love can deepen if both partners are intentional about staying emotionally connected and prioritizing quality interactions,” says therapist Rebecca Tenzer. Below, some tips:
1. Check your commitment
Before you dive into a long-distance relationship, make sure you have the right mindset. “Long-distance relationships require sacrifice, patience, and commitment,” says Bendory. “You’re investing your time, energy, and emotions—so before diving in, ask yourself: Is this person truly worth it? Do I feel a deep, rare connection—one that I wouldn’t easily find elsewhere?” You’ll have a lot more success if you go into it clear-eyed. As Bendory points out, “If you’re holding [onto a relationship] out of habit, fear, or the idea of love rather than real love, it’s time to reassess.”
2. Build a strong foundation
Trust is essential in a relationship—and never more so than when you and your partner spend a lot time apart. “Honesty and clear expectations are essential for building trust,” says dating expert Emma Hathorn of Seeking.com. “Be open to hearing what your partner is comfortable with and communicate your own needs as well.”
3. Communicate intentionally
Taking the time to check in with your partner is one simple way to narrow the gap. “Communication should be prioritized,” Tenzer says. “Obviously, these things are important in every relationship, but when your partner is not physically there, it’s even more important.”
