It really doesn’t take a lot to thrill me, reality TV-wise, but it’s safe to say that the release of a brand-new TLC show chronicling the domestic exploits of Alec Baldwin, his wife Hilaria—she of cucumber fame—and their seven (!) children is basically the reality dirtbag’s equivalent of Christmas morning. (The series premieres this Sunday, February 23.)
Below, without any further ado, please find literally all of the thoughts that occurred to me while watching the first episode of The Baldwins, titled “Along Came Hilaria”:
- I’m just going to ask this upfront, because it’s something I’ve wondered about: How does Hilaria feel about the fact that Alec played an older former lothario with an inappropriately young wife and small child named Pedro in It’s Complicated?
- Hell yeah, we’re in the Baldwin residence, and there are so many photos of babies on the walls that it looks like a fertility clinic.
- Whatever other snarky thing I may say over the course of this post, allow me to express my admiration for literally anyone raising seven small children. (Meanwhile, when I occasionally watch my friend’s toddler for even an hour I require six corresponding hours of hibernation.)
- Alec shouting “Who’s got the baby?” has me LOLing.
- Hilaria is sitting cross-legged in jeans on a couch, also known as Reality TV Posture #1.
- Aw, this home video of Hilaria greeting her first newborn Carmen is making me emotional.
- Goddammit, how are they getting me already?
- I forgot that Alec actually has eight kids (respect to Ireland). Jesus Christ.
- Hilaria telling Alec she married him because “you were a good-looking guy” is brutal.
- Nobody can skewer you like your inappropriately young wife!
- Oh, yes, I’m sure Hilaria “mopped floors and cleaned toilets” at her yoga studio before meeting Alec.
- This is definitely hypocritical, because I’d never say it about a female celebrity, but…Alec! The eye bags! Time to get a jade roller!
- Men calling their wives “Mommy” in front of the kids will always make me slightly nauseous, sorry.
- Oh, Christ, they’re getting into the Alec Baldwin Rust trial stuff?
- I’m sorry, but this feels…like weird fodder for a self-produced reality show.
- I’m not saying they should totally ignore the issue, but did we strictly need footage of Baldwin learning that cinematographer Halyna Hutchins had died from her injuries?
- Not a great look, The Baldwins!
- Also, Alec talking about how his concern is “letting seven children know that I love them”…once again, king, you have eight kids! Maybe shoot Ireland a text!
- Actually, maybe not.
- Hmm, I didn’t know Alec had OCD.
- I’m sorry, they have EIGHT ANIMALS?
- Aw, the boys are being taken to get haircuts.
- Why are these tiny children getting cool lesbian bowl cuts?
- This side-by-side of Hilaria and Alec in 1989 (spoiler: he was a hot actor, she was a child) is, again, brutal.
- LOL, one of these kids telling his parents they both suck at driving is amazing.
- I’m sorry, but I will not be attempting to differentiate between the Baldwin boys (at least until they all become influencers). I only have one wild and precious life, okay?
- I also adore this little boy rocking two lollipops at once. (No irony: I genuinely love fancy Manhattan moms who let their kids eat candy!)
- Hamptons tiiiiiiiiime!
- East Hampton, to be specific.
- Imagine schlepping seven children and eight pets to the beach.
- Like, I did not think I would feel any pity for the Baldwins while watching this show, but…that’s got to be quite a car ride (or helicopter ride, whatever, I don’t know how they travel).
- “You’re just sad because you’re balding.” Let’s goooo, Carmen Baldwin!
- Okay, finally, the family having two nannies is mentioned. (No disrespect, I was partly raised by a series of wonderful and loving nannies! But let’s not pretend they don’t hold up most of rich-person NYC family life!)
- LOL, Alec saying he has to tell his children “I’d appreciate it if you discontinued that activity” (due to Woke, presumably) is so good.
- Alec is insisting that Hilaria “changed” and is too negative now, which seems extremely appropriate for a woman who’s given birth to seven children.
- Just saying, if I even have one baby, my Virgo partner’s never getting his way again.
- Oh, hell yeah, we’re getting into the Hilaria Spanglish of it all.
- “I want to teach my kids pride in speaking more than one language” is fair enough! Still doesn’t make Hilaria Latina, but…respect, I guess!
- As a former nanny, I deeply empathize with Hilaria’s scramble to make sure all her kids’ iPads are charged. If you’ve never had a wealthy New York toddler hit you and scream because he can’t watch Bubble Guppies in the car while shoving seaweed into his face, you just don’t get it!
- I’m imagining having to write out a seating chart for my car in order to transport my entire family for two hours, and I am shuddering.
- “But more importantly, how are you feeling?” Good husband line, Alec. Just repeat that every day for the rest of your lives, and you’ll be golden.
- Clocking that Alec has had his Hamptons house for significantly longer than his wife has been alive.
- “Don’t pee in that pool!”
- I’m sorry, but the threat of Alec going to prison being used as a stakes-raiser for the pilot of this show…hmm. Just, hmm.
- That said, I continue to respect Hilaria for being able to manage seven children in a pool all at once (I would simply drown myself.)
- Oh, how the once-mighty Jack Donaghy hath fallen.
