The way people date has radically changed in recent years. A report published in the journal Personal Relationships found that there are officially four stages to modern relationships: flirtationship, relationship potential, official, and then, finally, commitment or bust. Conducted by a group of psychologists at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, the research was based on surveys of more than 250 college students aged 18-29 in 2012 and 2022.
“Young adults clearly distinguish dating from being in a relationship,” said Brian Ogolsky, professor of human development and family studies at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign. “In our study, we used the term ‘relationship development’ to describe the activities we were investigating, but it became clear that participants did not view early behaviors as part of being in a relationship per se. Instead, they viewed flirting and even dating as part of a broader pattern of interpersonal interaction that may or may not eventually lead to the formation of a relationship.”
In other words, while people used to date for “the one,” pursuing marriage in a bid to secure resources and establish oneself in society, now they date just to date. And while that’s ultimately a good thing and the sign of a more liberated society, it’s also the reason that forming a romantic relationship can feel like a Sisyphean task.
“We’re in this strange space where we crave deep, intimate relationships but are terrified of rejection, the unknown, or choosing wrong,” says dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar. “We want certainty but a lot of us don’t trust ourselves enough to slow down and build that safety, so we either avoid connection altogether or rush in, only to crash and burn.”
As a result, those earlier phases of dating are less like checkpoints than they are strange limbo lands, with no clear exits. Take the flirtationship stage, which the study defined as feeling those initial sparks of attraction with someone. Maybe you slide into each other’s DMs from time to time, exchanging memes and flame emojis. Perhaps you discuss the idea of meeting up, even going so far as to send a list of dates when you’re free. You might even hang out a few times.
“I’ve had about 10,000 flirtationships,” says Milly*, 32. “It’s constant Instagram DMs and flirty messages, which makes you think it’s on. But then nothing ever really happens. And you can’t call it out because you’ll sound crazy.” One of Milly’s flirtationships did take it further by asking her out for dinner, but he specifically didn’t call it a date. “The plan never materialized. But he’d still flirt with me over message or whenever I saw him all the time. It’s hard because I love flirting and think it’s fun, but it can make things confusing when it doesn’t go anywhere.”
