For the person on the receiving end, “stonewalling can lead to feelings of hopelessness, reduced self-esteem, and increased anxiety,” Robinson says. “They may feel demeaned, neglected, and sometimes even abused—and they almost always feel a lack of emotional safety.”
These feelings can also cause the stonewalled person to shut down themselves—and, in many cases, they may eventually check out of the relationship altogether. “The more one partner stonewalls, the more likely the other is to withdraw or respond with their own defense mechanisms, creating a cycle that deepens the emotional divide,” Eisenberg explains.
And it’s not just the partner on the receiving end who suffers. “Stonewalling is incredibly difficult for the one who is expressing it,” says therapist and epigenetics expert Johanna Lynn. “Stonewallers often experience increased physical stress, emotional disconnection, and a growing accumulation of unresolved issues and resentment.”
They can also feel hopeless: “Their behavior builds up internal incongruence—a mismatch between their thoughts, feelings, and external actions—which can lead to anxiety and, in extreme cases, despair,” relationship therapist Domenique Harrison says.
In other words, stonewalling in a relationship leads to disconnection on all sides and the partnership becomes untenable. “Without vulnerability and emotional intimacy, connection is blocked and true intimacy cannot be built,” Kupillas says.
The cure for stonewalling
Though stonewalling can sometimes feel like an insurmountable challenge, experts say it’s not impossible to overcome. Couples therapy is an obvious first step. However, fixing the issue may require more than simply learning better communication strategies. As Eisenberg points out, stonewalling is “often a reflection of deeper emotional issues rooted in unmet needs and fears of intimacy” and changing that “involves a deeper reconditioning of emotional responses and addressing the fears that fuel this behavior.”
This means that the stonewaller needs to become aware of, acknowledge, and take accountability for the way their behavior impacts the relationship and their partner. They must also be willing to learn and practice new ways of coping with dysregulation and distress. “They need to learn to recognize when they’re feeling overwhelmed and take steps to calm themselves,” says Eisenberg, who recommends learning self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, taking a walk, or practicing mindfulness.
To that end, experts say that trauma therapy and somatic therapy can be game-changers for someone who stonewalls. “Learning to pay attention to what is happening inside your body and mind when you are triggered is important for better understanding your panic or overwhelm,” says psychotherapist Rachael Chathman.
