‘Miss Congeniality’ Is on Netflix: Here Are 56 Thoughts I Had Rewatching the 2000 Rom-Com

Do I love the degree to which this movie glorifies the role of law enforcement in our society? Not at all; yet it also contains a genuinely positive message (and one of the greatest makeover scenes of our time), so I’ve tried to make my peace with the copaganda. Below, find literally every thought I had while rewatching Miss Congeniality:

1. Okay, I promise I’ll keep my “Gracie Hart was definitely a lesbian in an earlier draft of this script” comments to a minimum, but this her-as-a-child sequence is not disproving that theory.
2. God, I hope I raise a daughter who can fight someday.
3. I mean, words over fists, nonviolence is the way, etc., but also…some sexist bullies just need to get punched!
4. We’re in a Russian restaurant with an adult Gracie as she ignores her FBI commander’s orders and gives CPR to a “really, really purple Russian” who’s choking on borscht.
5. As a Russian speaker, I do have to give some props to Sandra Bullock for her clearly phonetic yet not half-bad rendering of the phrase “This borscht is very tasty” in Russian.
6. Are FBI agents really allowed to cut the line at Starbucks? All that on top of qualified immunity?
7. I love the idea that bureau agents are chowing down on blueberry muffins and Frappucinos—or were in the early aughts.
8. The colleague who Gracie more or less caused to get shot by acting impulsively is stable (yay), but Gracie’s still on the outs with her commander.
9. Gracie’s hot frenemy Benjamin Bratt is getting to run his own operation!
10. “Do all the women in the bureau have to wear those really masculine shoes?” Get Gracie’s ass, Benjamin Bratt’s inappropriately young trophy date!
11. And just like that, they figure out that the criminal they’re looking for, who goes by “The Citizen,” is planning to target the Miss United States pageant in San Antonio.
12. Do you think the rights to the actual Miss America pageant couldn’t be cleared?
13. (Sorry, I briefly dated someone who worked in legal clearance for film and TV, so this kind of thing is fascinating to me.)
14. On the one hand, it’s nice to know that FBI agents are just like us (they have fun at work!), but on the other hand, putting female colleagues into the Dress Up Sally website to see how they look in bikinis seems like textbook sexual harassment, even if it is for work.
15. Oh, good, they’re doing men, too.
16. Shocker: Sandra Bullock looks good in swimwear!
17. Okay, Gracie’s down to go undercover at the pageant, and she’s also good at physically fighting men she has crushes on (as we learned earlier).
18. The way pageant queen Kathy Morningside pronounces her loser son’s name (“FRANK,” in extremely loud, clipped tones) is exactly the way I yell at my dog (also named Frank) when he’s bad. Did this movie inform that?
19. Aw, William Shatner!
20. “If you are Grace Hart, I quit here and now.” All props to Michael Caine (a.k.a. pageant coach/god Victor Melling) for honesty and brevity!
21. Love this gay panic that Benjamin Bratt is descending into as Victor flirts with him.
22. All props to this movie for genuinely letting Sandra Bullock eat in a gross way, instead of having her take one unflattering bite and then deeming her capital-D Disgusting.
23. God, I love Gracie’s attempt to “glide.” Never gets old.
24. Is it wrong that one of my fondest and longest-running beauty dreams is to get the full Gracie Hart makeover in an empty airplane hangar whenever I need my legs shaved or my eyebrows plucked?
25. Gracie’s pageant name being “Gracie Lou Freebush” is still iconic more than two decades later.
26. Aw, I love Cheryl from Rhode Island.
27. I also love the semi-mean, hot contestant from Hawaii and the extremely Texan girl from Texas.
28. Miss Texas saying, “I hope it’s Ricky Martin” when she learns William Shatner is being replaced as pageant host will never not make me laugh.
29. The fact that Sandra Bullock’s character in this film isn’t meant to be Jewish is so insane to me.
30. God, nonfat hot chocolate? Not worth all the pageant prize money in the world.
31. The chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Benjamin Bratt really is a-cracklin’.
32. Gracie’s off to a strong start playing the water glasses for her talent, but then she sees a guy with a gun and jumps on him. Unfortunately, he’s just an armed Texas citizen enjoying a pageant talent show.
33. “This is Texas, everyone has a gun. My florist has a gun.” Well, exactly!
34. Kathy Morningside to Gracie: “You get in my way, I will kill you.”
35. Now, is that a wise thing to say to an FBI agent? Even one who’s undercover in a bikini?
36. Victor calling Gracie an “incomplete person” who has “sarcasm and a gun” in place of relationships and friendships is brutal. Never piss off a gracefully aging gay pageant guy, I guess!
37. If nobody falls in a pool in an evening gown, is it even a rom-com?
38. Bikini contest time! Oh, the humanity.
39. Gracie’s response to what society most needs (“That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan”) is legendary, even if I don’t actually agree.
40. The pageant girls going out for pizza, beer, and mystery alcohol in test tubes at a painting party has been burned into my head as the platonic ideal of a girlypop night out since I was a child.
41. I wonder if that tells you anything about me.
42. Death and/or jail for the professor who attacked sweet Cheryl in college.
43. Oh, shit, Kathy’s getting fired! I smell a motive (and I have also seen this film before more times than I can count).
44. Awww, Gracie’s friends helping her get ready when the FBI pulls out of the pageant is incredibly sweet.
45. I love girls!
46. Cheryl light-up baton dance time!
47. Gracie using Benjamin Bratt to act out self-defense moves on national TV? Brilliant, inspired, feminist, never been done before.
48. Miss New York: “I want all the lesbians out there to know, if I can make it to the top 10, so can you!”
49. Why isn’t this movie about her and her hot girlfriend?
50. Love the shot of Gracie clapping approvingly.
51. Oh no, the crown is going to explode! Gracie tries to intercept it, leading to a tussle with Cheryl, the actual winner.
52. Everybody’s crying.
53. Okay, the bomb went off, and now Gracie’s a hero.
54. And she gets Benjamin Bratt!
55. And she’s named Miss Congeniality!
56. Again, I love girls.