It was the first time in 12 years that Gaby had spoken to her father. It didn’t go well. Her sister had persuaded her to hear him out after years of trying. Okay, thought Gaby — so long as she didn’t have to promise a certain outcome. Sitting across from her dad, she felt her heart sink when he said he “didn’t want to drag stuff back up,” as he put it. The thing is, she did want to discuss things from the past. It was important to her, if they were to become civil at the end of this, though that outcome was looking increasingly unlikely with each minute that passed.
“He denied multiple events, lied, denied knowledge of my mental health issues and told me it seemed like there was nothing he could do to change my mind about our relationship, so why should he bother,” remembers Gaby, who is 25 and didn’t want to share her last name. He didn’t apologize for anything and spoke about his own upbringing in a way that Gaby felt was designed to “guilt trip” her into having a relationship with him. “I had the conversation as a favor to my sister. I will not be doing that again. He seems to have worked on himself over the years from what my sister says, but not in regards to his relationship with me.” Gaby feels that further efforts to reconcile would be futile.
Estrangement is so painful because good familial relationships are automatically expected. In the years that Liam and Noel Gallagher, the famously feuding brothers of Britpop band Oasis, were in bitter separation, both brothers were asked repeatedly in interviews if they’d work things out. There’s something about troubled family relationships that we can’t let rest in the way we do when other relationships break down. Confronting it is painful. The Gallaghers are a unique case, though. Their recent reunion has been made to look easy and their former conflicts a source of entertainment. They also probably had a big motivator: money. Regular estranged or tense family relationships don’t get that material and emotional support. In the US, there are a few (though not many) organizations supporting estranged families, including Together Estranged and PEAK. The UK’s leading charity in helping estranged people cope, Stand Alone, ceased operations in April this year due to financial struggle, and nothing has yet taken its place.
I get pressured by other family members all the time to reconcile.
Ebony, 29
Even if someone dealing with estrangement has contact with other family members, those family members often aren’t equipped or neutral enough to know how to help. Sometimes, involvement from others makes the whole thing one messy hotpot of guilt-tripping, arguments, resentment and a heat that will burn the tongue. Twenty-nine-year-old Ebony, who doesn’t want to share her real name, is estranged from her cousins, who she grew up with and viewed as her brother and sister. They cut her off last year after a wider family feud involving their parents and grandparents. “I get pressured by other family members all the time both directly and indirectly to reconcile,” she says. “There are multiple family members who have tried talking to my cousins, encouraging them to reach out to me. This upsets me, because no one should be going and asking someone to reconcile with someone else. If that person has to be forced, then it’s not worth it. I’m trying my hardest to not let it affect my relationship with my other cousins who I am also close with. But unfortunately it does affect it and it does make things awkward.” The situation has damaged Ebony’s mental health; before the point of no contact, she felt used as a metaphorical “punching bag” by her estranged cousins when the relationship became turbulent. Even if reconciliation were an option, it wouldn’t be easy, and she’d have to confront the verbal abuse she was subject to.
Financially, people who are disconnected from their families lack a support system many of us take for granted. While not every family has the means to help out, even if the will is there, lots of us do have the luxury of being able to return home for a period when life gets hard — when romantic relationships end, for example, or we lose our jobs. Therapist Eimear O’Mahony says: “Many people who experience estrangement do not have the financial, physical, emotional support of family. This can mean there is a higher rate of financial worry and struggle in comparison to others who have family to help with kids or who know they will have inheritance in the future.”
It’s possible to love a family member and need to set limits due to their behavior.
Liz Kelly
Therapy can help with the guilt that often comes from cutting contact with family. Writer Fern Schumer Chapman, who was estranged from her brother for over 40 years, wrote in her book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers that when siblings cut ties, they’re left in “a world of secrecy and shame,” even if they’ve made the right decision for themselves. The feelings that come with this decision are complex and will vary by person depending on why they’ve chosen to cut ties. Liz Kelly, therapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says: “It is very common for people who cut ties with family members to experience guilt. They may have received societal, cultural or religious messages to put family over everything. It’s challenging to make a different choice when facing that pressure.”
People are complicated and some still care about family they’ve cut out of their lives. “It’s possible to love a family member and need to set limits due to their behavior,” Kelly explains. “For example, you might love your father, who is addicted to alcohol, and make a decision not to visit him to protect yourself and your children from his violent behavior. These decisions are complicated. Most people who cut ties with a family member typically do so after much thought, deliberation and previous attempts to continue and repair the relationship.” O’Mahony adds that estrangement can feel similar to grieving at times, because “it often doesn’t feel natural to the human mind to accept that we choose to not see, for example, a parent.”
Gaby feels lucky that her mom respects her decision to remain estranged from her dad but she can sense that her mom hopes they will have a relationship one day. Even that must feel like a weight to carry. “Over the years there were a few attempts within the family to ‘fix’ things, including family counseling. But each time he would say or do something that reaffirmed that I didn’t like him as a person, didn’t think he was a good dad and didn’t want him in my life,” Gaby says.
Some people are better off not reconciling, even with the emotional and financial strife it may cause. O’Mahony says it boils down to whether rebuilding the relationship would be “harmful or detrimental to the physical, emotional or psychological health of an individual.” These cases often involve trauma, abuse, neglect and harm, she explains. “Many people who decide to cut contact will go through waves of wondering, Am I doing the right thing? so the decision to not reconcile is only one part of a very complex process. It is so important to have support, understanding and non-judgement.” Lots of O’Mahony’s clients experience stigma surrounding this subject — friends don’t know what to say when it is brought up, or when questions like “Who are you spending Christmas with?” are asked. “The judgement, confusion and lack of understanding from others can be very harmful.” O’Mahony recommends therapy for those who can access or afford it. As Gaby puts it regarding her own situation: “As time has gone on, I have only experienced more reasons to keep him out of my life.” The best thing we can do is let estranged people live in peace with their choices.
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