With breakups often come an exquisite mix of disappointment, rejection, anger, fear, and grief. Sometimes, there’s also debilitating jealousy, or even a strange sense of relief—but no matter the particular blend of feelings, one thing is certain: getting over a breakup can be brutal, regardless of who initiated the split.
“Breakups are challenging because relationships are deeply rooted in our emotions, routines, and sense of identity,” explains sexologist and relationship coach Allie Theis. “When a relationship ends, it’s not just the person you’re losing—you also lose the shared memories, dreams, and the future you envisioned together.”
And the hurt is not solely emotional. Losing your beloved actually triggers the brain’s anterior cingulate cortex and insula—the same regions that process physical pain. “Add in attachment, unresolved feelings, and societal pressure, and it’s no wonder breakups often feel like the end of the world,” says Theis.
While there’s no easy way through a breakup, there are healthy ways to process the pain—and, hopefully, come out on the other side stronger than before. “Breakups give you the chance to rebuild yourself and become the best version of who you are.” says therapist Misty Williams. “You get to focus entirely on your own expectations and priorities without anyone else’s influence. Think of it as cutting down a huge, shady tree that’s been blocking your sunlight. Now you can grow freely and bloom again.”
Below, expert advice on how to do just that.
How to accept that a relationship is over
Accepting that a relationship is over is a major step towards healing—and ultimately moving on. But often, it’s easier said than done. We might find ourselves romanticizing the good times, fixating on the past, or clinging to the hope of reconciling down the line. Yet more often than not, such behaviors only make the suffering worse.
“It’s important to stop focusing on what-if scenarios, like whether you’ll get back together or what you could’ve done differently,” says Williams. “Acceptance starts with acknowledgement.”
Practicing what Buddhists and dialectical behavior therapists call “radical acceptance” can help. This requires a level of surrender, and the cognizance that certain circumstances are simply beyond our control. “Acceptance does not mean that we like or agree with what is happening,” says therapist Kristin Money. “Acceptance means that we choose to allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel without judgment.”
