He cuts off his beard every Christmas day, and he starts growing it right then for the next year. We all watch him cut it off because it would be too shocking for a child to see him fully as Santa and then see his actual face for the first time in an entire year. But literally hours later the beard starts growing back, like Tim Allen in The Santa Claus.
Does any of this affect your attraction?
No, no, he’s so handsome as Santa. It’s not like a kink. It could be. But it’s not. I remember the first year when I was dating him, he went through the transformation and he said something to me like, “We all look the same with the lights off.” And it was a joke, but it’s true. I will say neither child was conceived with Santa. Proud of that.
Does his white beard hair ever clog up the sink or anything?
Fuck yes! All the time. There’s white curly white hair all over my bathroom.
Where does he get his Santa suit? And what is his makeup routine like?
It is all hand tailored for Brant. The woman who currently makes his clothes is an oncology nurse who used to work at the Minnesota opera and the Guthrie costume shop. Her name is Sondra. He also wear Birkenstock clogs.
He also uses very high-end products—like, way nicer than me, including multiple Olaplexes to maintain his hair and beard color, along with Maybelline foundation and then a white makeup called MEHRON, which apparently a lot of Santas use. The blush is a mystery vial of liquid makeup that his mom gave him. The label wore off, but I think it’s Benetint!
What is child care normally like and how does it change during the Christmas season?
So Luna’s three and a half, Remy’s 10-months-old. They go to full-time day care. Remy is a massive baby. He’s like 22 pounds now. I had to make scrambled eggs for him the other day. I was holding him on my hip and my body was screaming by the time I was done.
I thought I was going to have like a little baby in my arms and a very verbal, compliant toddler. That’s what I thought this Christmas season was going to look like. The 10 month old can crawl across the house in five seconds. He can pull up on anything; he screams if I leave his sight. I have not peed or pooped without him since Santa season started. And then if the baby actually falls asleep, I carry my daughter everywhere we go, because if she pounds her feet on the ground, he wakes up.
It’s the hardest when there are unstructured hours. There’s a park down the street I wanted to walk to. It was like 32 degrees, so I got them both in big winter coats, put hats on, wrapped them in blankets, put them in the wagon, closed the garage door, took them to the park. They were both swinging. That was a happy moment. And then Luna was covered in mud, so I had to carry her with no shoes on, strap her back into the wagon, and we made it all the way home. And I’m like, surely that ate up some time. It was 31 minutes. 31 minutes.
