I’ll admit it: I may not be watching The White Lotus the right way. Ever since its first season in Maui, Mike White’s Emmy-winning Max series has poked not-so-subtle fun at the ridiculous expectations and bizarre social customs of the rich on vacation. Yet tempting as it is for me to roll my eyes at the quasi-Orientalist “wellness” fantasy the latest crop of tourists is living out at the White Lotus Thailand in Season 3 (Timothy Ratliff, why are you constantly on your phone in no-phone areas, bro?), I also find myself sighing and not-infrequently seething with envy when the show cuts to the verdant jungles and sandy shores of Koh Samui.
Much has been written about the proliferation of White Lotus merch and brand partnerships—from fashon capsules to plateware and coffee creamer—that seem to exist a bit outside of White’s whip-smart, always-slightly-ironic purview. Obviously, someone connected to the show is signing off on these deals, but at its heart, it’s been argued, The White Lotus is supposed to be satire, not travel inspiration.
To those people I say, Sure…but what if it’s both? While I don’t want to be miserable and detached from my family and friends, I do want to go on a girls’ trip! Or a trip with my partner! Or a trip with my family! Or literally any trip! Also: I, like Shoshanna Shapiro in Girls, love products.
What were the chances that some of those White Lotus-branded items could grant me the joy and inner tranquility that the fictional hotel chain promises its guests? (Do said guests actually ever find that happiness and peace? Of course not, but they’re probably doing the classic rich-person thing of leaving all kinds of free stuff on the table, secure in the knowledge that they can always get more later. Won’t catch me doing that!)
There was, naturally, only one way to find out…Below, a day in the life of a writer poor in travel miles but rich in White Lotus swag.
8 a.m.
I wake up and instantly spritz my face with a The White Lotus x Kiehl’s Cucumber Spritz facial spray. It’s energizing and smells extremely good, but unfortunately, my dog licks literally all of it off my face before it even has a chance to set.
8:10 a.m.
I am now anxiously googling “kiehls products dog lick safe?”
9 a.m.
Secure in the knowledge that my dog is (probably) fine, I make coffee and stream Sunday night’s episode of The White Lotus, which I was too busy covering the Oscars to watch in real time. Question: Am I the only one who thinks the shooter from the Episode 1 teaser is…a monkey? Monkeys can get their hands on guns! It’s happened!
10 a.m.
I log onto a work Zoom, which honestly has nothing to do with The White Lotus, but I aim for total accuracy in reporting. This isn’t Hollywood, okay?
12 p.m.
I need to bring a bunch of freshly washed Tupperware back to the friend who lent it to me (sexy, I know), and while I would usually deploy a filthy NPR tote bag for this purpose, I instead load my various and sundry containers and lids into my The White Lotus x Away suitcase. This thing is roomy, baby!
1 p.m.
I feel extremely fancy and Grace Kelly-esque pulling up at my friend’s place and grabbing a chic, sand-colored wheeled suitcase out of my trunk…until, of course, she opens it and a bunch of plastic containers that used to hold stew fall out.
1:30 p.m.
I ceremoniously present my friend with a gift of The White Lotus x Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Concentrate Face Oil, which prompts her to microwave some pumpkin curry and rice for me. Free lunch? Thank you, Kiehl’s!
2 p.m.
Snack time! I devour an entire Compartés x The White Lotus limited-edition Aperitif Spritz chocolate bar, which is bright orange and upsettingly good.
3-5 p.m.
Again, I’m just working on non-White Lotus projects during this time. Boring, I know, but I have to earn a living! I’m (regrettably) not Aimee Lou Wood getting massages on Walton Goggins’s dime!
6 p.m.
Amid all my eighth grade-level self-pitying about how I never get to go anywhere and it’s not fair, I totally forgot that I’m leaving for a staycation with my best friend to celebrate her birthday at the Hotel Bel Air this weekend, which actually does feel like something a White Lotus girlie would do (although I hope we don’t have a friendship-testing fight that ends with one of us sobbing in the bathroom, Carrie Coon-style). Finally, a use for my The White Lotus x Away packing cubes!
6:10 p.m.
Packing cubes make no SENSE.
6:20 p.m.
Okay, I figured them out. As it turns out, packing cubes might indeed make sense.
8 p.m.
My bags (i.e. the Away suitcase plus a couple of aforementioned filthy NPR tote bags for good measure) are packed, my dog is fed, I’ve made myself a weird impromptu dinner of grilled cheese with chili crisp, and it’s time to eat even more White Lotus collab chocolate. (This one is cookies and cream-flavored and features a photo of Jennifer Coolidge as Tanya McQuoid on the packaging. We miss you, Tanya!)
9 p.m.
No shade to the good people at Compartés, but I do not feel well.
9:10 p.m.
Is it possible that eating one and a half full-sized chocolate bars over the course of a day is inadvisable, even if it is for stunt journalism?
