Well, it’s official; Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have split, and a little piece of the American dream is gone along with their marriage. Yes, I’m being dramatic, but I did always find it beautiful that these two found their way back to each other after a broken engagement twenty years ago; now, though, they’re decidedly capital-O Over, and while I’m not anti-Ben (mostly), I have to admit that I was more of a Jen stan all along. Below, find everything I want for Lopez in the wake of her divorce from Affleck.
- An amazing divorce settlement where she gets some of his Gone Girl money. (Granted, J.Lo likely has plenty of money on her own, but it’s always sweeter when it’s taken away from someone else. Sorry, I’m vengeful.)
- An enduring and emotionally fulfilling relationship with Affleck’s kids, who she seems to be close to. (See, I’m not a total monster.)
- An even-closer friendship with fellow Affleck ex Jennifer Garner, possibly one where they impulsively drive to the Madonna Inn and take edibles by the pool all weekend.
- Actually, a co-authored script about the Jens taking edibles at the Madonna Inn, to be delivered to me ASAP. (Ben isn’t the only one who can write a script with his buddy!)
- A long, contemplative weekend alone somewhere remote, where she can look at the stars (you know, the ones in the sky, not the red-carpet ones).
- A bunch of new dance music, to be recorded at her leisure.
- A new rom-com? Maybe starring a hot younger lead with whom she can have a rumored dalliance?
- Another music video set in the Bronx. It’s time for Jenny to come back to the block!
- An epic girls’ and gay guys’ weekend out in Vegas once she drops her twins, Max and Emme, off at college. The empty nest can be a good time!
- Another perfume release, just for fun.
- Finally, when the time is right: a brand-new romance with someone normal. Jen, stop dating actors and athletes! Consider a high-school math teacher or a CPA or a labor lawyer! We’ve all seen Marry Me; we know you have the range.
