The discourse surrounding Marc Webb’s musical remake of Snow White absolutely will not end, but what of…the film itself? To be honest, I kind of forgot there was a film amid all the Gal Gadot-v-Rachel Zegler drama, but there most definitely is one, and it’s officially in theaters.
Intrepid journalist that I am, I booked a discounted matinee ticket to see Snow White on opening day and suss out for myself if the actual content of the film could stand up to the extremely online furor surrounding its purported “woke”-ness, and the answer is…kind of? Watch the trailer for yourself below, and then find (literally) every thought I had while watching Snow White.
1. I am very much the only adult in this theater not in the company of a child.
2. I can’t believe the 10 a.m. showing of Snow White at the Grove isn’t a hot spot for childfree urban millennials.
3. Aw, tiny squirrels!
4. Or rats?
5. Hard to say.
6. I’m into Snow White’s mom’s brocade caftan.
7. I like this song about the bounty of the land and the nobility of all who work within it, even if it does feel incompatible with monarchy…
8. Damn, Disney, chill with the dead moms!
9. Oop, there’s Gal Gadot.
10. A lot of exposition about the wicked stepmother being done very rapidly here.
11. Fair enough, I guess we all know the story at this point.
12. A child in my screening is crying in fear of the enchanted mirror, which is also fair enough.
13. Note to Disney dads: Stop going to war and leaving your kids with your mean wives!
14. Rachel Zegler hive, come through!
15. Not to victim-blame, but that’s an awfully bold lip for someone who’s trying to avoid the ire of the famously jealous and petty Evil Queen.
16. This Disney prince isn’t that hot, but I respect his anti-royalist stance.
17. Why doesn’t AMC serve medieval banquets? My popcorn is really not doing the job right now.
18. I like that they’ve made Snow White a socialist. Bread and roses for all!
19. Now why did they give sweet Rachel the Lord Farquaad?
20. Rachel really does have the voice of an angel.
21. Okay, a little wind in the bob is making me like it more.
22. This tartan apron is kind of working, too!
23. Ooh, hot tension between Snow White and the prince who’s now on the run from the law!
24. Maybe he is hot, actually.
25. The kid in my theater is crying about the mirror again 🙁
26. Time for Snow White to “go into the forest to pick apples,” per the evil queen’s decree.
27. Huntsman, no! Don’t give the queen Snow White’s heart!
28. Speaking of men in this movie who are kind of hot…hello, Huntsman.
29. Fleeing time.
30. Oh, I LIVE for this CGI deer.
31. I miss my dog.
32. AMC should allow dogs.
33. Specifically, my dog.
34. Okay, sorry, back to the movie.
35. Bunnies!
36. This CGI is truly crazy work, but I love it nonetheless.
37. Ooh, I like the Lord Farquaad bob when it’s wet and a little tousled.
38. I want all of these animals to tuck me in. Some girls have all the luck!
39. Okay, these CGI dwarves are an absolute jump-scare.
40. Can’t say that I’m a fan of their rendering!
41. I wish I lived in a little cottage with six of my friends, TBH.
42. Should I get an old-school triangular sleeping cap?
43. These guys really came around to Snow White fast, I have to say.
44. Oh, shit, mirror’s back and he’s crowned Snow White the fairest of them all.
45. This song could be going harder, sorry.
46. Bros, ease up on Dopey, for the love of God!
47. Aw, I like his friendship with Snow White.
48. “Whistle While You Work” is RTO propaganda. You heard it here first!
49. Ooh, rendezvous with the hot rebel in the forest!
50. Wait, he’s not anti-monarchist! He hates the Evil Queen, but he’s loyal to the king! Boooooo.
51. Free yourself, my man!
52. This song about how everything’s horrible is really hitting in this current political moment.
53. I do love a Disney fight scene.
54. The soldiers’ hats are quite chic, must say. The little blue plumes? Adorable!
55. “If we can give up our meager scraps, we will inherit what was meant for all of us.” That’s right! There is power in a union!
56. Making Doc do surgery seems mean, given that, as he notes, he’s more of a…fake doctor.
57. Oh, spoke too soon, he fixed up the hot rebel! Okay, Noah Wyle on The Pitt!
58. I like this drum set housed inside a giant wooden bird.
59. How is the CGI on this movie managing to make fireflies creepy?
60. For those keeping up with the scared-kid saga, I think he and his mom left the theater. Refund them at once, AMC! Justice for my startled king!
61. Oooooh, romance brewing.
62. Girl, never give a man your emotionally significant jewelry!
63. Especially if he’s going to be dumb enough to wear it in front of the Evil Queen.
64. Okay, I hated the Evil Queen’s hag transformation soooooooo much.
65. Poison apple time!
66. If you were going to design a poison apple, why would you make the antidote true love’s kiss?
67. Babe, I appreciate your trusting nature, but if someone you don’t know is weirdly insistent that you eat an apple……do not eat that apple!
68. Oh no, the Evil Queen had Snow White’s dad killed!
69. What in the Substance are these rapid hottie-to-crone transformations?
70. These dwarves are sweeties for keeping a vigil besides Snow White.
71. The boys (a.k.a. the Huntsman and the hot rebel) are soooooo back in town.
72. I know knee-jerk feminist analysis of Disney movies is so aughts, but….please don’t kiss people who aren’t awake.
73. Oh no, the deer is sad!
74. This I cannot bear.
75. Okay, Snow White’s up and looking daisy-fresh!
76. Dopey piping up! We love to see it.
77. See you in hell, Evil Queen!
78. There’s a new royal couple in town, baby!!! And they’re hot!
79. That was fun and cute, but I will not rest until Disney gives us a princess with ADHD and credit card debt.
