La Dolce Villa—Netflix’s latest rom-com guaranteed to make you extremely angry about the fact that you live in America—is officially trending like crazy…which would be reason enough for me to watch the film even if I didn’t have my own romantic, sepia-toned memories of being a US expat in Italy, just like the movie’s characters. (Okay, I was eight years old and mostly interested in the Italian equivalent of Pokemon, but it was still a beautiful time, okay?)
Without further ado, please find the 81 thoughts that occurred to me during my inaugural (though, unfortunately, likely not last, given my rewatching habits) viewing of Netflix’s La Dolce Villa.
- I have never seen an Italian station (or a train station, period) that’s this clean.
- God, Elliot’s boyfriend Sean from Scrubs aged well.
- It is, to be honest, really hot when men help carry strangers’ strollers up the stairs.
- I mean, not as hot as genuinely accessible and mobility-aid-friendly public transit would be, but still.
- Okay, Sean from Scrubs, a.k.a. Scott Foley, a.k.a Eric, is telegraphing his goal for the film: to find his daughter, stop her from buying some big Italian house (why??), presumably wear more Colin Firth-esque cableknit sweaters.
- My God, those hills are rolling and green!
- Should I go to Italy this summer?
- I bet nobody’s ever had that idea before.
- Bitchy daughter alert! Her name’s Liv, and she apparently took off for Italy without telling her dad where she was going, which is bold, because when I was her age I called my mom every time I needed to thaw shrimp or sew on a button.
- Actually, I have literally no idea how old this girl is supposed to be. Early 20s, I assume?
- Wait, she bought this villa for one Euro?
- Is this some Italian tourism-board mishegoss?
- Yes, Eric, good luck getting your daughter to leave Italy for Ohio. (I say this as someone who has lived in both Italy and Ohio!)
- For all my bragging about having spent some of my formative years in Rome, I’m embarrassed to say I am not keeping up with this Italian dialogue.
- Liv is using her trust fund to buy the villa? I thought it was one Euro?
- Oh, right. Villa upkeep is expensive. I’ve seen Under the Tuscan Sun, I know how it goes.
- Wait, the one-Euro housing plan is real?
- Should I go to Italy this summer? And never come back?
- Eric and Liv are touring houses, and I must say, he’s come around awfully quick to this idea.
- Ooh, Francesca! Hot blonde Italian mayor who doesn’t seem charmed by Eric! I smell romance.
- Love that Liv worked at a Renaissance faire. That’s customer-service experience, baby!
- Of course Eric used to be a professional chef and is now a restaurant consultant.
- I know he’s going to cook Francesca some sexy pasta later.
- I don’t care about Eric’s business subplot, sorry.
- Are the cool Gen Z-ers really just wearing…tartan pleated skirts and nubby sweaters now? Because that was, in a very real sense, my school uniform for five very long years.
- Okay, the sex vibes between Eric and Francesca are real as hell.
- Is this one of those Netflix movies where they acknowledge the existence of sex, or is it more of a meaningful-eye-contact vibe?
- How would couples even get together if there weren’t the old “you have ice cream on your face” maneuver to bust out?
- I must say, Scott Foley’s beard looks good, even with ice cream in it. I don’t know what Olivia Pope was thinking, passing him up on Scandal.
- Francesca’s husband (or friend? Brother? Sorry) isn’t into the one-Euro housing plan bringing in American randos, which sounds fair.
- If I called my dad from Italy and was like, “Hey, I’m using your money to buy a broken-down villa out here, you need to come out here and help me,” I’m pretty sure he’d (correctly) hang up.
- Actually, I think it’s money that Liv’s dead mom left her, technically.
- I’m having flashbacks to that episode of The Sopranos where they finally go to Italy and meet the hot female mob boss.
- Girl, if you’re making your dad stay and help you, at least feign an interest in his PowerPoint!
- I’m bored by all this house-reno talk, I must admit.
- I only care about home makeovers if butch lesbians are doing them on TikTok.
- Okay, Liv’s 24, just as I suspected.
- She wants to stay in Italy because “adulting” (a phrase people famously use out loud in real life all the time!) hasn’t gone too well for her or her cohort.
- Aw, goat!
- Demo time!
- Brick pizza oven!
- I hate my stupid American life.
- Okay, actually, watching Eric try to ride a spindly, rusted European bike has renewed my sense of patriotism.
- JK, it’s terrible here.
- Old, slightly mean ladies queening out by a fountain and being deliberately unhelpful to tourists…now that’s the Italy I know.
- This guy is battling my own beloved Virgo partner for the title of “most insane obsession with cleanliness,” IMO. Let hot Italian women be messy!
- It just occurred to me who this Italian actress looks like: Calista Flockhart.
- Is it her?
- Okay, it’s not her. I checked.
- This man needs to stop hyper-focusing on his daughter’s villa and get a life back in Ohio, if I may be so bold.
- Okay, now Liv wants Eric to stay and help her install a commercial kitchen in the villa.
- Sexy pasta-making time, as I predicted!
- Although Eric is actually making said sexy pasta with a hot male chef, which would be a fun twist if he weren’t fairly obviously a romantic interest for Liv.
- I want homemade pasta.
- This Italian chef guy’s bisexual little earring is perfection.
- An Italian man saying the word “vibe” in English sounds crazy.
- I like that all the Italians in this movie wear beaded jewelry, regardless of their gender.
- Aw, Eric’s gotten the hang of his terrible bike and is even chatting up the nonnas!
- Not “raisin d’etre” as a flirty line! Oscar for worst dad joke of all time!
- Liv’s going for this apprenticeship she wants, which I think puts her at odds with her dad’s dream for her in some way, but to be honest, I’ve fully checked out and am just admiring the Italian countryside.
- Makeout time!
- For Eric and Francesca, to be clear.
- Photoshoot hijinks!
- If a type-A blonde woman isn’t “learning how to unwind” from a sexy foreigner, is it even a rom-com?
- I don’t care about these building permit-related plot twists!
- On the plus side, more spoken Italian. A nice change from getting mad at the Duolingo owl.
- “Nothing good on Netflix tonight?” Okay, self-referential!
- More beautiful rolling hills.
- Liv and the hot Italian chef are indeed smanging (or preparing to smang, as, again, I’m not sure actual sex is allowed in this type of film).
- Ooh, caprese shots!
- Scott Foley in a white shirt and khaki pants bicycling against a backdrop of Roman villas is basically middle-aged lady porn.
- Beach party time! God, Italy is so fun.
- Okay, sex may not be allowed in La Dolce Villa, but making out at the beach clearly is.
- And just like that, we cut right to the morning after. Puritans!
- There is no greater compliment than an old Italian lady saying “bravo/brava.”
- Aw, Eric wants the nonnas to teach cooking classes in his new kitchen!
- Father-daughter healing time.
- Because familial wounds are famously healed with one single conversation.
- Okay, you cannot introduce some random-heirs-coming-to-the-villa plotline this late in the movie.
- Look who’s now so into the villa that he’s considering cashing out his 401K? (Bad financial advice, by the way.)
- Aw, Eric and Francesca forever!
